If I said I wasn’t struggling I would be lying.
I knew having another child so soon would come with its struggles. This is why we were going to wait longer.
But we all know things happen…
I don’t regret having my newest little princess at all, so don’t even go there. She’s the most gorgeous, smiley and chatty wee poppet.
But I do feel bad that some days I find myself wondering, what the hell have I gotten myself into?
I feel bad that I feel like she’s not getting the same attention that Milena got. I know it’s all about juggling and I sure as hell don’t love her any less. It’s amazing how when you have more children you’re heart just grows bigger.
But shit, the juggle is real.
Trying to breast feed Miss 12 weeks while Miss 22 months is pleading, ‘Please Mumma! Please!’, that I ‘walk’ with her to god knows where. She sees me always feeding and holding Anya that I know she’s struggling with sharing me. And she’s at that age that EVERYTHING can easily turn into a drama.
One minute she’s this gorgeous, caring, considerate and sweet girl, that accidentally drops her teddy while going up the stairs and she rushes back down to ask, “Are you ok Ted Ted?”, picks him up and kisses and cuddles him better. Or she sees her sister without a blanket so gives her one of her own, which is so gorgeous as she NEVER goes anywhere without them.
The next she’s this screaming banshee, demon child that stands right in my face screaming “NOOO!!” or “MIIIINNEE!!” sometimes for no apparent reason.
This is the worst sound. It hits me like a thousand daggers and I find myself gritting me teeth and doing my best not to lose my shit.
My patients has long gone out the window with that crap. I am trying so hard to deal with it cool and calm…but yeah we all know that’s pretty hard to do when your child is screaming about the lolly she can see but has already had far too many of them so you tell her just that. God damn, why didn’t I just move them out of sight? Or better yet eat them myself!
That’s a bad example I know, but we all know that the smallest things set them off.
Yes, I know it’s an age and stage thing and she is developing so fast mentally that I’m continually blown away by the things this tiny human can now do and say. But come on child! Please chill out for 5 minutes!
She’s also at that age where she’s craving social interaction. I saw her at the park the other day run up to some children she didn’t even know, hold back a metre or so and started to laugh and jump around as they were doing. She got ignored by them and I saw her gorgeous little face drop. I almost burst into tears. I can’t afford to put her in care till I either go back to work full time (which wont be anytime soon), or she’s 3 and we get the 20 free hours. So I am trying to meet up with friends that have children as much as I can and take her to little play groups. This in itself is a daily struggle with Miss 12 weeks in tow.
I’ve ended up taking them out when Milena should be having a nap as I know if I don’t do it then, we wont get out of the house. I thought it was hard organizing one child, boy how sorely mistaken I was. Just getting them in and out of the car is a mission in itself.
I’m glad she now has a sister that she can interact with. Although Anya is still far too young to be much fun for her, watching how much Milena loves her just melts my heart.
With Anya, I found myself the other week saying to Sam that I wanted to stop breast feeding as I was so strung out and she was just not settling. After I calmed down I most definitely don’t want to stop I just want to be able to have a break and I really cant be bothered pumping all the time. So I went and bought some sachets of formula to try. This is also proving to be a struggle too but I will persevere. She’s at that 3 month mark and is finally starting to settle down. It’s like coming out of a storm. But I’m sure I can see the next one on the horizon.
For me it’s a daily mental struggle with either just wanting to hide under the bed covers all day or getting up and dealing with life. I have wondered if I have mild PND or if I just psych myself out. Continually having to motivate and push myself is tiring. But that’s probably something to write about later.
The next struggle it keeping the house in order. Washing….god damn washing. I swear life would be so much easier if we didn’t wear clothes! I get excited when the washing basket is empty for all of 0.9 of a second. Only for it to mysteriously fill up again in the blink of an eye. I seriously think I have people living here I am yet to know about. The house is always in some sort or disarray but this is the last thing I feel like doing.
There are so many more things we as parents juggle with, trying to find a food the toddler will actually eat that’s not just crap food, trying to keep our relationships with our significant other on track as much as we can on minimal sleep and crap conversation….literally, having some time to yourself and time to find ourselves again. Maintaining friendships can be hard. Life was busy before children, now it’s just plain chaotic. From the mouth of my partner it’s the struggle of a work, life, family balance. That pretty much sums it up well.
We can but only do the best we can. As long are our family unit is, for the most, a happy, healthy and fed one, we can’t ask for much more.
But we all know the juggle is real.