Its funny how now that I’m a parent if find myself watching what people do a lot more.

Now by watching I don’t mean stalking, lets get that straight.

I probably should have said I notice things more.

I notice how people say one thing and do another. I notice things that you think I haven’t noticed. I notice that people are to busy to notice that I need them. I notice that most people couldn’t care less. I’ve noticed that a lot would rather watch from a distance and make up their own assumptions and opinions.

I know life is busy. I have two under two, don’t get me started on busy. If I could sleep for a week I may just be sane enough to function like a normal, calm human being.

Maybe I should just take up drinking.

I feel that would be a bad idea unfortunately. I honestly feel so alone. Being a stay at home mum is hard when you don’t have the will to make things better.

I started this blog and my Facebook page to try get and feel a bit more normal and in the hope I could find a few kindred sprits. And possibly help others in some way. Even if it is just to know that you are not alone in this journey.

I have so many things I want to write about but see so many others writing about the same thing. It’s hard to stand out in a world where everyone is doing the same thing. I feel I’m just a drop in an ocean of similarity. But then I realize that we are all on similar journeys, but our stories are different.

I sit back and wonder if PND is knocking at my door.

It can be a struggle to want to leave the house. I struggle with my temper. I struggle with the way I look. I struggle with wanting the physical side of a relationship. I struggle with motivation. I struggle with the fact I haven’t made much of my life. This isn’t anything about my children as they are the absolute light of my life. I’m meaning me personally. It’s all starting to feel like a huge weight that I can’t shift.

I’ve read a lot of things about PND, I’ve read other peoples stories. I don’t have all the tell tale signs but I have a few.

The anger, the feeling when nothings really wrong, but it doesn’t really feel right either, the brain fog, the emptiness and the fatigue.

I am unsure if is in fact PND or if its just a shitty state of mind that I’m in due to negativity.

I struggled with depression when I was younger and was on mild anti depressants for a few years. I didn’t find they did much for me, maybe it was my situation, maybe it was immaturity. I ended up stopping them cold turkey. This wasn’t the best idea but after my body got over the fact I wasn’t taking them anymore I felt so much better. This is why I’m really unsure of what to do.

But know I want to be the best I can be for my family. This is why while writing this I have booked into the doctor to see what he thinks.

I will keep you updated on the outcome as I feel is important for anyone, not just mums or dads, to talk about this subject. To know what the symptoms are. To know that you are not alone.

Below is a link to a site I have found helpful.

https://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/get-help/a-z/resource/26/postnatal-depression

At the end of the day we all have our good days and our bad days. But if you feel like it may be leading to more don’t be afraid to seek help. Keeping quiet can be the worst thing to do.

Remember you are not alone.

x

2 thoughts on “The grey days

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